04/16
          Believe it or not, you can make, in your home and with your bare hands, french fries that are delicious. Just try it sometime. All you need is a potato, a knife, a pan, a stove, a spatula, some oil, some salt (I also use garlic powder, some seasoning, and pepper), some ketchup, some music, some beer, about fifteen minutes, something to read or someone to talk to, a pen, a notepad, a pair of hands, an eye or two, maybe an ear.

          First, before you even chop up your potato, open your beer and drink some of it. IPAs work well, but no matter what you get, it should be in a bottle. Now, before you reach for that knife, go turn on the stereo and put on something you like to listen to. You'll be cooking in a different room (the kitchen, right?), so you may have to increase the volume until it reaches a level that can be listened to with satisfaction from your cooking area. Don't forget to rinse your potato. Now, get your knife, your potato, and a flat surface to cut your potato on. Take another swig of your brew. You may want to cut out the bad parts, so have a look to see if there is anything on your potato's surface that you wouldn't want to digest. Then slice your potato in half down the middle, lay those halves on their flat sides, then cut those halves down their middles into quarters. Take sips of your beer whenever you feel, but don't neglect it either. Chop your potato halves into further halves until they're a good size. Rinse.

          Put your pan on a burner, turn on the burner, and put some oil in the pan. If you don't put in enough oil, you can put in more later, but if you put in too much, you'll have to try to pour it out without losing any potato slices. So don't put in too much oil. Lay your slices in the pan. You should be able to find a way to put them all in there. If your pan's too small, you can make two batches. Or if you want a lot of french fries, you can make multiple batches. Once all the slices are in the pan, lying on flat surfaces, do not forget to drink more of your beer. That's important. Don't forget about your beer. Now's a good time to toss on spices and seasonings you think might taste good to you on fried potatoes, but save your salt and pepper until your slices are done and out of the pan. Dump some beer in there, if you're feeling reckless.

          Now, go talk to someone. Go listen to your music. Peek from the kitchen at the movie your roommate is watching. Write something in your notebook. And don't forget about your beer! Now's a good time to partake in any other drugs you prefer, but focus on that beer. You may also want to eat some cheese while you wait. Because cheese tastes good.

          Check your slices. If the side that's frying (the bottom of the slice) looks toasty orange-gold, flip your fries! This is what the spatula's for. Don't use your fingers; that oil's hot. Flip them so uncooked sides are now on the bottom. You might have to do them one at a time. You'll have to do this three or four times more, so get used to it.

          Repeat the last two paragraphs. By now you should have something written down, something read, a few songs listened to. Once your fries are appetizingly golden orange, take some paper towels or a cloth (oops, I forgot this in the first paragraph; if you don't have anything to use, old shirts will probably work) and put them/it on a plate. Then you dump your fries on the plate, and your towel will soak up the excess grease. Don't forget to turn off the stove. You can shake your towel around a bit to help dry off your fries, then pull it out from under them and get rid of it. Add salt, pepper, ketchup, whatever you want, let them cool off, then drink the rest of your beer--if you haven't already finished it--and eat your fried potato slices.

          If you don't feel like it, I'll make them for you. Mine are pretty good, but maybe yours won't be. Just don't go to fastfood. I'll charge you less for more. You can buy a sack of potatoes for two dollars. What can you get for two dollars at fastfood?